


I Found Peace In Your Violence

by pumpkinspicecandle



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Neil has a panic attack, Sweet and simple, linking pinkies, my first fanfic so bear with me, still in their dorm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:20:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29065719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pumpkinspicecandle/pseuds/pumpkinspicecandle
Summary: Neil gets a panic attack, Andrew brings him back to the present.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 6
Kudos: 88





	I Found Peace In Your Violence

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the song Silence by Marshmello feat Khalid, tell me if there's anything I could improve on!
> 
> tw: panic attack, Neil has flashbacks, mentions of abuse, nothing worse than what was mentioned in the book. 
> 
> Happy Reading!

He couldn’t breathe. He felt like someone was strangling him, he couldn’t _breathe_. And there was a knife to his cheek, and he sensed the dashboard lighter before he felt it. He could smell burning flesh and hear Lola’s voice in the distance. And then it was his mother's voice, urging him to drive, that she was fine, just drive. So he did. And then she was dead, she was gone, lifeless.

He was alone, he didn’t know who he was, he burned her, buried her in the sand. He could still hear the echoing sound of when he had tried to take her out of the car, the sound of her dried blood on the vinyl seats. He ran, he ran as fast as he could. And he couldn’t breathe, things were spinning and blurring and then he heard a voice that wasn’t Lola’s or Nathan’s or his mother’s. He struggled to place a name to it.

“Your name is Neil Abram Josten, your starting striker for the Palmetto Foxes, your mother is dead, your father is dead, you are not dead. Your name is Neil Josten-” Neil took a breath and the memories slowed, they blurred at the edges. He was brought back to the present abruptly, those memories still scratched at him from the back of his consciousness. Neil took another breath and realized that he was shaking, he raised one of his hands and tried to steady it but his attention was snagged on Andrew.

Andrew, who paused in the mantra and scooched back by a small amount. It was then that Neil realized that he was sitting on the floor, partially leaning against the far back wall of their dorm. Neil looked at Andrew, who watched him with a blank stare, Neil held it. They sat there until Neil’s shaking ebbed and Andrew offered him a cigarette, standing to crack open a window to Neil’s right. Andrew settled again, facing Neil, their knees almost touching.

“Yes or no,” Andrew asked, his voice cool.

“Yes,” Neil replied. Andrew linked their pinkies silently and Neil took a deep breath. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes, letting the subtle warmth from Andrew's hand anchor him. 

Neil struggled to remember what had caused his plunge into his memories, what he had been doing before. He opened his eyes and looked outside, it was dark, the sky a deep blue, he couldn’t remember if it was dusk or twilight and that bothered him. Why couldn’t he just remember? Andrew read the question in his eyes.

“It was a news channel, touched on Nathan Wesninski, showed pictures of him, of your mother, of you as a child,” Andrew said and Neil just looked into his hazel eyes and tried to breathe. In and out. The image came to him then, a cruel joke that his own brain played.

It had been when he was close to 6, he remembered that his father had told him to smile as they posed for a photographer. They were supposed to pass as a normal family, and his father had nearly flayed him alive that night for not smiling bright enough. He had heard his father slap his mother and had put his hands over his ears in his bed. He had chided himself for still cringing away from the sound.

Andrew held his chin, his grip soft but firm enough to bring Neil back. Andrew handed him another cigarette and Neil realized that he had warped the one that he had been holding.

“Your name is Neil Abram Josten…” Andrew began the mantra again and Neil closed his eyes. He pushed the memories and echoes of fire away as he focused on the cadence of Andrew's voice. His mind began to wander, as his heart rate slowed.

Andrew got up and unlinked their pinkies and Neil opened his eyes to watch as Andrew picked up the bean bags and brought them over. Neil sat in one, and Andrew in the other. Andrew looked ahead, at the blank screen of the TV and Neil watched Andrew. 

He remembered his first years with Andrew and when Andrew had promised his protection. He remembers the way that he had found his footing on Andrew’s blank stare, and how he could find his peace when with Andrew.

“Staring,” Andrew said and Neils lips quirked into a small grin. Andrew linked their pinkies again and Neil didn’t stop looking at Andrew as the sky began to lighten.


End file.
